Things

I've been trying to identify physical things or events that provide relief/cause anxiety so that I can focus on using them more or avoiding those things. I think its really easy for me to get caught up in the ideas or thoughts I have, but those aren't fact-based things, just assumptions so it's hard to work on them. But anyway, here are my lists.

Things that comfort me

• Babies
• You know when a baby is sleeping and you have to move them for whatever reason and since they are wearing a onesie, they are warm to the touch, and because they are hardcore sleeping like babies do, they are surprisingly heavy and go kind of limp in your arms? I love that feeling. It's like you are holding this tiny human who has all the potential in the world and they are just beautiful and a miracle for even existing. Plus they have that sleeping baby smell that only babies smell like and that’s really comforting. Their innocence is comforting.
• Heartbeats
• I like listening/feeling heartbeats especially my own. It's really grounding as I think about how this one organ is keeping me alive and that’s super cool. When I was really little we got a new puppy and for whatever reason, we got this little machine that sounded like a heartbeat and let the puppy sleep with it to calm it down. I think it helps me in a similar way, like its one of those innate comforts since like in the womb you listened to your mother's heartbeat for 9 months, and it reminds me of that connection.
• Weighted Blankets
• I have a really hard time with more intimate forms of physical touch like embracing and all that jazz because it’s a really vulnerable position to put yourself in. But this doesn't mean I don't benefit from the comfort a hug can give. And a weighted blanket basically simulates that weight/pressure so that I can feel comforted when I'm anxious.
• Things that stimulate my senses
• Using my senses is also really grounding. It reminds me how cool my body is. I think this is why things like art/music interest me because they trigger multiple kinds of senses. I really like things that smell, whether good or bad, its comforting to me.
• Listening to people talk about their passions.
• It reminds me how cool humans are and how special each one is to have their own passions and dreams. I think I secretly just use them to remind myself that I could eventually get to that point. This is why I hang out in the Eccles a lot because who is more passionate than theatre/music majors? Plus I enjoy listening to people practice.
• Space
• Seeing constellations and satellites in the sky is really cool to me because it reminds me that there are things outside of earth and how special it is that I was born on one of the only known habitable planets. This is also really grounding.
• Feeling my bones
• I know this technically is just feeding my body dysmorphia, but its comforting to me to be able to feel my bones under my skin.
• Observing people
• To me watching people kind of fine tunes/helps me practice psychoanalyzing people. Plus, I think people are really interesting and funny creatures when they don't think anyone is watching. Plus, it's really cool to see the kind of things you can pick up on and understand about people just by watching them.

Things that provide discomfort

• Babies
• These stress me out so much its kind of ridiculous. They are like super cool and wonderful, but like so precious. I'm nervous I would accidentally hurt them or like drop them I don't know man, it just stresses me out.
• Elderly People
• Okay, this one is weird. I have a really hard time watching older people do things because I watch them become frustrated and upset about the fact that they can no longer do things that they used to be able to do, simply because their body is deteriorating and there's nothing they can do about it.
• Loud Noises
• They startle me and hurt my ears and kind of take me back to the dark spots of my childhood.
• Crowded rooms
• There are lots of noises and too much stimulation for my little-introverted body to handle. Plus I feel really vulnerable when I can't see everyone in a room.
• Dances/Social Events
• The problem with these is I can't stop thinking about how I'm feeling vs. how I think I should be feeling. It triggers my anxiety and that numb feeling.
• Big Empty Rooms
• I don't like the sound of my footsteps. It reminds me of my presence in the room. Plus its really hard to hide in an empty room, I'm exposed and vulnerable.
• Strong/Tall Men.
• I think it’s the idea that I couldn't protect myself from them if they attacked me or tried to take advantage of me that really bothers me with this one.

I find solace in the fact that I've identified more good things than bad, but this is also only over the span of one morning, there might be more I'm just not thinking about.