Interesting and Intelligent

These are words that people often use when I discuss my mental health with them.

They find the way I look at things and handle my experiences so 'intelligent' and 'interesting.' while I'm over here feeling like I am being put under a microscope and analyzed. People always are so fascinated by my thoughts and responses.

To be quite honest, I'm not interesting or intelligent. It's called survival instinct. I adapt and acclimate to my situation in order to stay alive, and that’s something that not everyone can manage to do, especially if they are alone in this. Its called trial and error. I am constantly trying new things to fix problems and as new things come up, it helps cultivate my thoughts. This is kind of what happens when you figure all of this out alone, I just kept shooting the breeze, hoping something would work. It's called being lonely. I've had a lot of time to think through these issues and try to understand what's happening. I've been playing this game for almost 6 years by myself, and so that’s a lot of time to think. And I kind of had to rely on myself and this loneliness in order to get through a lot of things. Its called being messed up. I've experienced things that not many people have, and that changes a person's view on life. So yeah, it makes it seem like I'm super interesting and intelligent, but it's not really me. And it's not really something to celebrate.

I wish I was textbook depressed and anxious. I wish my issues were only skin deep. I wish I could just do what everyone else does and get over this depression or at least be able to cope with it better. But the thing is I'm not like everyone else. I didn't handle all of this like everyone else did. I wasn't in the same situation that others were in.


As much as I act like this is a super negative thing that I hate, I secretly enjoy it. I take pride in being alive. I take pride in the way I've managed my mental illness alone. It makes me feel good to know that someone else finds my hell interesting and intelligent, it makes me feel more interesting and intelligent. And sometimes, I'm okay with pretending that this whole thing is intentional and that I really am all those things.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Oh, hi, thanks for checking in, I'm still a piece of garbage.

Hi there, I recently went through and private-ed all of my old cringe-y posts from 2013, and rediscovered my love for posting here. Obviously, a lot has happened since 2013, but I am still me. So, don't expect too much change. However, I vow to use proper grammar and punctuation and have banned the use of ... and !!! I don't know what I was thinking back then. So lets get to the real topic of today. College. Oh boy, college. I had made a post in 2015 when I was a junior, stressing about graduating early and moving out and going somewhere like MATC. I talked about the stress of paying bills and rent and all of these grown up things. At the time I thought I was being mature and was excited to move on with my life because I felt ready. Never in my life have I ever been so wrong about something. I did a ton of growing up my senior year, and without those experiences I don't think I would be even slightly prepared for college. Even now, I feel like I'm not as prepared as I
Read more

A Safe Place

You know, when I revisited this blog a few months ago, I thought that this could be a cool little place for me to share my college experiences and share my 'amazing' thoughts and opinions with the world. And by the world, I mean the internet, and by internet, I mean probably no one. However, I got busy and this place kind of slipped my mind. Until now. Dun-dun-dun! That sounded quite dramatic, didn't it? Anyway, I guess the purpose of this post is almost a disclaimer/warning/update on my blog. Things are going to be changing. Things are going to get messy. And quite honestly, things are going to get really deep and vulnerable. And I'm really excited. I'm making this place my safe place and honestly, I'm kind of okay if people stumble across it or don't. The important thing to me is that the words are out there, available for anyone to see if they so choose to. So yeah, this is a thing I'm forcing myself to do, we'll see how it goes.
Read more